Faith Not Fear

I would be lying if I didn't say that these last few months have been some of the hardest for me. There were so many times that I would wonder why my baby wasn't healthy, why if I had worked so hard to get her here that she wasn't perfect. One day I was at my wits end, Lyndee had thrown up numerous times and every time would struggle to breathe afterwards. I felt like I couldn't take anymore, I called the doctor but to be honest he was little or no help at all.


Soon after my mom called, and she could tell that I was done. I began to spill out my sob story about how awful it was to see my baby go through this and that it wasn't fair. That I was so afraid that something was really wrong with her. I began to cry, and it was a hard cry (she always has this affect on me). She quietly said, " Amanda, just because my baby died does not mean that your baby is going to die." That was when it all hit me, I was so afraid that she was going to die and that I was going to lose her that I let it control my life. My nights were full of checking on her repeatedly to make sure that she was breathing. My days were full of her throwing up and gasping for air, every time me thinking this is it. Almost waiting for it to happen. It is awful to think, but I really was so afraid. She then said " Amanda, God is in control and if he wants to take your baby, he will. And you may just have to live with that, but I don' t think that is going to happen. You need to live in faith and not fear. Have faith that he has sent this baby to you for a reason, because YOU are supposed to be her mom." After that day I really tried hard to change my way of thinking. God didn't just give me this baby so that he could take her away. Having faith is what got me through those scary days in the hospital and me being okay with handing my baby over to a surgeon that I had just met. I knew that she was going to be okay, and if not, I wasn't in control. Everyday with her I feel like is a blessing, and there is nothing better in this world then her toothless grin and cough-like giggle.


Today, 20 years ago my brother Kade died of SIDS. I don't think in my whole life I have thought of him more than I have in the last year. I know that Lyndee was with her uncle Kade right before coming to Earth. That he was teaching her and giving her the encouragement that she would need for this life. But as much as I have thought of him, I have thought more about my sweet mother. After having Lyndee and spending my everyday with her, I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose her. My mother is an incredible woman and has lived everyday since then to make the lives of her children near perfect. I hope to someday be at least half the parent my parents have been to my siblings and I.


I know in my life I will need many more reminders to rely on the Lord. To put my faith in him and not be so consumed by fear. But at least for now I am confident that God is in control of my life and the lives in my family, and I'm okay with that.


“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7).


"It is our faith in Jesus Christ that sustains us at the crossroads of life’s journey. It is the first principle of the gospel. Without it we will spin our wheels at the intersection, spending our precious time but getting nowhere. It is Christ who offers the invitation to follow Him, to give Him our burden, and to carry His yoke, “for [His] yoke is easy, and [His] burden is light” (Matthew 11:30). - Elder Quentin L. Cook